I simply cannot bear to talk to anyone about my fat, or about diets, or about my food issues. Even with people I am close to, I absolutely cannot bear it.
I have never let it be known, outside of my immediate family circle, that I have deliberately tried to lose weight. When I used to go to WW years ago, it was a secret from everyone but my Mum. Then last year when I was losing weight I would never have dreamed of letting anyone, except my boyfriend, know I was recording all my calories in a diary. My reticence on these issues is backed up by hypocrisy and even lies – if one of my friends had told me she was recording calories, I would probably have told her not to be so obsessive!
My disordered eating habits are more secret still. Not even my boyfriend knows about my occasional forays into bulimia-type behaviour.
A lot of women seem to love talking about their weight and food, which I’ll never understand. Last year when I lost so much weight, people at work were always saying “you have lost so much weight – you look amazing”, or asking for my “secret”. Of course, I would have no idea what to say but would deflect the comments with something disingenuous like “Do you think so?”, or “It must be because I quit my old job! “. It was pretty ridiculous, when I think about it, to suggest I could have lost 20 kg without really noticing, but that is what I did. But I guess it was easier than reacting with complete honesty, which would have involved saying something along the lines of “You’re right. By following a strict calorie-counting plan, and exercising 6 times a week, I have lost 18.9 kg and currently have a BMI of 22.8″.
I think what I hate about these compliments is having to acknowledge the the existence of my fat. Every time someone says “you’ve lost so much weight – you look amazing”, all I can hear is “you were gigantic, quite disgustingly huge”. And of course, since I have regained a good 12 kg this year, I can’t help wondering if the same people who complimented me last year are silently wondering how I have managed to turn myself into that gigantic, disgusting woman again.
Would it help me if I were more open? I think it might. I mean everyone must know I have weight issues, whether I talk about it or not – it’s right there on my hips. In the meantime, at least I have the internet.
PS – Weighed in today at about 76 kg (don’t have accurate scales so that is the best I can do). Trying to resist urge to buy accurate scales as it can only feed unhealthy numbers obsession. Urge may prove irresistible.
PPS – I forgot to have breakfast again today, due to fussing with lunch foods. Obviously there are only so many spots in my brain in the morning, and there’s room for breakfast or lunch but not both!
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