In the last few weeks, I’ve been watching the Fox show More to Love, a dating show similar to “The Bachelor”. More to Love features Luke, a large, handsome, successful and very secure guy who is searching for his dream girl, a beautiful woman with lots of curves. No size 4 models on this show. All of the ladies who are vying for the attention of Luke ARE beautiful women who are size 14 and up.
One of the things that I’ve noticed in the individual interviews with many of these ladies, is how many of them proclaim in tears that their weight has been the single factor in preventing them from finding love. I have to admit that I spent years of my life thinking the exact same thing. And it’s a very hopeless feeling. To feel ashamed and unlovable is not a pretty place to be in your life. I’ve spent many a Saturday night crying because I felt as if the entire single world was out dating, except for me.
And since we are bombarded by media images of beautiful, very thin models, we’ve come to believe the myth that all men are attracted only to women who look like what we see on TV, in the movies and on the pages of the magazines.
But it’s simply not true. Yes, there are a lot of men who want a size 2 beauty on their arm. But there are also a lot of guys who prefer larger women with lots of curves. Good, decent guys. I didn’t realize that until I was around 30. I thought that a guy couldn’t be attracted to me because I was a size 22. And for all of my “dating” life, I had never been below a size 16.
When I finally woke up from my misplaced perceptions, I realized that what was really keeping the guys away was my lack of confidence in who I was as a person. And I began working on my confidence issues. I had to learn that I was much more valuable then I ever believed and I truly learned how to love myself. I was just using my weight as an excuse to keep the guys away because as much as I wanted to be a part of the dating world, the fear of dating was even greater for me than the fear of being alone. I was terrified of being judged by a guy, because I was so horribly judging myself on a regular basis. I just knew that one day, a guy I was really attracted to was going to confirm my belief of what a disgusting monster I was. That thought was terrifying, so on an unconscious level, I was keeping the guys away. It kept the rejection at bay.
I also had to learn, that I could not expect a relationship or a man to validate who I am. Only I can do that by believing in myself. By accepting myself, flaws and all. Faulty perceptions about yourself can be very dangerous, because they put you in a position of desperation. And when you are desperate, you will settle for any guy that comes along, whether he’s truly compatible with you or not. You simply don’t believe that you can do any better, or that you deserve better. That’s how so many women (and men) end up in abusive relationships. You truly don’t believe that you can do any better.
I realize now, as I look back on my life, that there were a lot of guys who actually were interested in me. I just couldn’t see their interest through the fog of my faulty perceptions. Because I kept thinking “No one could possibly like me because of how I look”, I missed out on a lot of opportunities.
I am now happily married to a guy who absolutely LOVES my size 20 body. But even more importantly than that, he truly loves me for me. He loves my intelligence, he loves my creativity, he loves that I am confident in myself. I did not meet my husband until I was 36 years old. I did do quite a bit of dating in my 30th. I found that once I truly began believing in myself and the wonderful things I had to offer, a lot more guys began looking my way. Confidence is much more of a turn on than poor self esteem. I dated some good guys, and some guys that were definitely not right for me. And finally I found a guy that was right for me. I didn’t settle on the first guy that came along. I accepted the one who was right. And had I not found my Mr. Right? I would’ve been happy to live by myself, because I really learned to enjoy my own company. I didn’t need him to validate who I am as a person. He’s the icing on the cake.
Being a size 14 or a size 26 is not an automatic guarantee that you’ll remain single. The subconscious mind is an amazing thing. What you tell yourself will become part of your reality. If you continue telling yourself that you are unlovable or that you don’t deserve to be loved, that will ultimately be what keeps cupid from knocking on your door. Begin changing your internal dialogue. Get rid of the negative about yourself and begin to reinforce the positive things about you. As you do, your confidence will begin to grow. As your confidence grows, members of the opposite sex will begin to notice!
You deserve to be loved. But mostly, you deserve to love yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment