After having been on and off the therapist’s couch for a number of years, I’m not sure I have an answer yet. Food to me, I guess, provides the same “thrill” or sense of satisfaction that alcohol does to an alcoholic or drugs to an addict.
The only difference I suppose is it doesn’t numb the pain, it just helps with the anxiety. People who know what I went through in childhood and other parts of my life are quite surprised that I’m an upstanding, law-abiding citizen and not some derelict drug abuser or criminal in jail. It certainly would have been much easier to go down this road, but the pride instilled in me by my parents would never have allowed me — and still doesn’t.
I’ve been dating my girlfriend/fiancee for 15 years now. We’ve had our moments — good and bad. The issue isn’t about fear of committment. In fact, the reasons have changed over the years. Suffice to say that currently, she lives with her parents and we have a rather casual dating relationship much like what we used to experience in the early years. We’ve gone full circle during this time and ended up back here.
We lack intimacy, and sometimes I think the relationship is nothing more than that of convenience on both of our parts. To be honest, she’s a two-time cancer survivor: ovarian and thyroid. Each time, I’ve been there by her side to help her in every way possible. I mention all of this to simply point out here’s one aspect of my life that causes a tremendous amount of anxiety, worry, depression and sadness.
Before her illness, we lived in a large metropolitan area where life was more to my liking. When she became ill, we moved back to her small city where life remains the same as it was 45 years ago. It’s like standing in a time warp. There’s nothing to do, I’m not stimulated intellectually or on any other level, I find nothing of interest here, don’t enjoy the climate … the list goes on. This causes additional issues in my chronic unhappiness and feelings of hopelessness.
Combine that with the stresses of a job where I don’t want to be working, supervising a large staff of mostly women who are constantly bickering, back stabbing and gossiping; two bosses who ask for the world, moon, stars and sun but give you no means by which to achieve it … well, you get the picture. It’s sheer horror.
There’s still the baggage from my childhood I continue to hold on to, and even though I’ve been and continue to be in therapy now, it’s still difficult to sort through all of this.
Plus, I’m in my early 40s, have had lots of jobs over the years and still no idea of what I want to be when I grow up. Talk about a lack of real direction and focus in your life. It’s horrendous. Is it any wonder I can even stand upright or get out of bed every day? Somehow, I manage to do so, pick myself up, dust myself off and just muddle through.
I started on a diet with Nutrisystem awhile back that I stayed on for several months. All I ate was their food, nothing else despite their directions to supplement with fruits, vegetables and plenty of water. YUK! Anyway, I managed to lose 40 pounds. My psychiatrist told me I needed to keep this weight under control because it was the only part of my life of over which I had control. When the second cancer diagnosis came, the pounds came with it, in a hurry too.
That leads me to where I am today. Getting older, balder and fatter. More and more health problems are creeping in: bad sleep, I can hear myself breathing, lower back problems, intestinal distress, plantar fasciitis on one of my feet, higher blood pressure (pre-hypertension), high cholesterol and I can’t regulate my temperature — I burn up all of the time. The good thing though: no sign of diabetes yet!
I’ve said for a long time now that changes need to be made, but I haven’t done anything about them. Push has come to shove, literally. I just can’t go on like this anymore. So a radical change is needed. It’s not going to be easy.
Pray for me. I’m going to need it.
Until next time,
Be well and eat healthy!
Robert
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