I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage to go to the gym for the 1309808056577th time. At the risk of stating what is blatantly obvious, I am very very overweight. Being overweight makes me self-conscious, which makes it harder to go to the gym.
Okay, enough of the “obvious stating”. It’s much worse than that. I’m very private. Extremely private. Especially when it comes to my weight and related matters. I know I need the gym to help me lose weight, but I’m having an awful time trying to get over myself. The thought of sweating and huffing and puffing and revealing my vulnerabilities in front of people in public really freaks me out.
I hate being vulnerable, I don’t expose that part of myself willingly. Years ago, I used to be very good at pretending I was revealing myself – I even had myself convinced – I would “open up” to friends, but really, I was leaving quite a few onion layers unpeeled. I’d been like that my whole life, without realising it. It was a self-protection thing. Of course, sooner or later, something had to give because I’d left a horrendous childhood “un-dealt with” and it was only a matter of time before it all fell apart. So around the time when I turned 30 I had a complete breakdown. It was around that time that I met other half and it was only through opening up in a safe environment that I managed to work through the crap.
But as scary as that was, it was done behind closed doors with only one other person who I trusted implicitly, who I felt safe being vulnerable with. I know that bearing one’s soul and sweating it out in the gym are two very different things, but in my mind’s eye, there’s a similarity and it’s all about me exposing that vulnerable bit of me. It’s also feels like I’m broadcasting to the world I KNOW I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY WEIGHT AND I’M TRYING NOT TO BE A FATTY ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know I need to GET OVER MYSELF and some overweight people just get on with it and go to the gym without giving it a second thought, but hey, I’m me and fucking hell it’s hard being me sometimes.
On being vulnerable…..
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