Where does it come from; this self destructive behavior of the perpetual overeater?
Why does it vanish for a while and then suddenly come back?
Both are rhetorical questions and I think I’ll never know the answers.
Being 100 pounds overweight is the result of self destructive behavior, make no bones about that. But conquering that behavior permanently looks like it just might be a losing battle. Time and time again old ways, thoughts and behaviors come along. Is the best we can hope for simply keeping it in check?
That should give you a clue of how I have been doing this week.
For the first time in over a year, I have really been in an “I don’t care” frame of mind when it comes to my healthy lifestyle.
It was precipitated by a particularly nasty workout last Sunday (a swim) that for no reason left me plumb tuckered out. In addition to that it left me in a lot of pain. Between my right knee and my left ankle, I was pretty much left hobbled for a few days. From swimming! Non-impact swimming.
I have gotten really wiped out by swims before, but this pain was new. I really had been doing well watching what I eat, 9 lbs into my planned 20 pound loss, but perhaps I overdid it. That does happen. My calories/carbs may be too constricted for the amount of activity I plan to do. That has been the tight rope I have been walking. Finding the correct balance.
But this was different. I was wiped out DURING my swim which never happens. I finished my workout but spent the whole time thinking about what I was going to allow myself to eat. Usually that wouldn’t be a problem because I would just take a free day and be done with it. But this has stretched into a free week, and I don’t know where this mindset is coming from.
I have been doing that old “oh just eating this isn’t going to make me fat again”, which of course is true if it were one thing…..but it has been a week of things. Eating junk. Having a beer or two. The topper was yesterday: going out at lunch and buying a bunch of fried junk to eat for dinner and a box of pastries. I didn’t even pretend that I was going to work out or watch what I ate. I cannot tell you how long it has been since I saw myself acting that way and it scares the heck out of me.
Ok so maybe I do know where it is coming from, pain and fatigue are not fun…eating and drinking are fun! And it does have an almost party atmosphere about it. I see the unspoken glee in those around me, “YAY! He’s eating again!”
I’ve been basically doing ok during work hours but I make up for it after hours. I’ve been taking solace in the fact that I have still been working out but even that stopped yesterday.
All is not lost of course. The scale shows about 4 pounds of damage which could be addressed in a few days if I would just buckle down. In the past it wouldn’t be a problem. I would feel like buckling down. And that’s the scary part. I know I need to nip this in the bud NOW but I can’t seem to find my passion about it. I’m fearing the slippery slope towards Thanksgiving and beyond.
The good news is the weight comes off whether you just go through the motions; no passion required. But I miss that passion. That fierce drive to get where I want to go and stay there.
As the long weekend approaches it makes matters all the more pressing to me. We already have plans that focus on less than healthy eating.
What the heck am I doing making those plans in the first place? It goes against everything I have worked for and everything I know to be true, and yet somehow I kinda sorta don’t care.
I will workout this weekend. I will do my Pilates tonight and as God as my witness I will swim every morning of this 3 day work break. I know I will do this because I have to do this.
Now if only I could talk myself out of the beer and pizza.
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