Hey Guys!
Summer is around the corner! Yeah!
So it’s time to get ‘Peter Andre’ abs, and a fab bikini bod! Yeah!
G-string bikini time! Oh Yeah!
Time to make Paris Hilton look like the fatty fatty boom boom she is with my Top 10 Diet Tips! Yeah!
Now you can use your collar bones as weapons! You can be the Boadicea of Lambton Quay, taking out passer bys with your pointy hips! You can disembowel your enemies! Yeah!
“What happened to you?”
“I got smart to skinny Sarah!”
“Is that your liver on my new carpet?”
“No. It’s my kidney. Learn your internal organs! Education is a lifelong journey!”
Me at my goal weight. Sexy as. Don't worry- all my tips are in this blog!
1- Anorexia- Old fashioned, but effective. Plus side- It is natural and affordable! Down side- It takes a lot of effort and you will be lumped in the same category as Karen Carpenter. And she was a bit lame. Good singer, but lame.
2- Bullimia- Another family favourite! You can have your cake and eat it too- although after eating the cake, it will not look as attractive. But you can still have it! Rotten teeth pale into insignificance, as people will be too busy looking at your awesome bod to notice the stomach acid eroding your tooth enamel!
3- Lactating- Sorry, guys- this one is ladies only! Lactating is a great way to lose weight. It is how cows have such sexy bodies. I wish i had kept it up really. Not in the creepy “let’s breastfeed the kids until they are 12″ kind of way (that’s how David Bain was raised. Shit, that ended in tears, didn’t it…) Just a quick milking at lunchtime.
“Sarah- are you coming to the gym? I put on sooo much weight over winter- might go for two hours!”
“Nah- I’m just going to milk myself. Might go for two litres.”
I don’t know what to do with the milk afterwards. I’d probably just tip it down the sink. Or feed it to the cat. Or sell it to freaks on the internet.
4- AIDS- This is one of the riskier options. One one hand you have a life threatening, incurable, contagious disease that is has nasty (unfairly so) social implications. On the other hand, you can wear children’s clothing again! Fab!
5- Polystyrene Meal Substitute Diet ©- This genius diet was created by Dr Sarah Harpur on a whim. It is currently in the trial phase, but early results look promising. And it’s easy! Just replace every meal with a bowl of polystyrene chips! Never feel hungry again! It will travel the entire length of your digestive tract without breaking down- you can use the same bag of chips over and over again! Simply rinse polystyrene between cycles! Plus, it weighs next to nothing, so you can jump on the scales without fear- even immediately after eating!
6- Salmonella- Just eat a couple of raw chicken thighs left at room temperature and wait a few hours! You will soon be expelling excess fluids from 30% of your orifices for 48 hours! And in between visits to the bathroom you get to lie down, have a day or two off work, and STILL get skinny! This can also work with seafood if you think it is mean to eat chickens.
7- Sweating- Don’t use antiperspirants, and spend at least 10 hours a day in a sauna. If you don’t have a sauna, put a pot of boiling water on the stove. Make a roster of all your body parts, and schedule time for them to linger over the steam. Ensure you rotate frequently to avoid flesh falling off bones and into boiling water. Although if this happens you can throw in some lentils and a couple of carrots to make a tasty, protein-rich soup.
8-Tape Worm- If it is good enough for Maria Callas, it is good enough for you! Don’t be seen dead without this charming little pet that gets fat on your behalf! And when the cheeky little bugger is porky from eating all your carb juice, simply take a pill and the entire mess is expelled. Because you’re worth it!
9- Liquid Diet- This is the stuff rock stars are made of. Instead of food, drink alcoholic beverages. Life will be more fun, your colleagues will be more attractive, and your jaundiced complexion, caused by your failing liver, just looks like a sexy fake tan!
10- Exercise- This is the least attractive of all options. But some studies have shown that exercising can possibly burn fat. But you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Just me. Yeah!
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