Excuse me, Sir, I believe I missed my wagon

On again, off again. I can’t quite decide. Firmly planting my booty on the weight loss wagon has been a challenge these past few weeks. As I felt myself swinging towards the land of emotional eating (EE) and bingeing I took the liberty to stop, reassess my motivations and nip the toxic cycle in the bud.

In therapeutic terms, I do believe that is called PROGRESS

Yep, progress indeed! Recognizing that I have a serious problem “punishing” myself for eating before I engage in the cycle is progress. Call it what it is, girl! Good job.

That being said, I’m still 10 pounds more than I was about nine months ago and 20 pounds more than I was two-ish years ago. But more than that - I am supremely more stagnant than I like to be and less and less likely to make consistently positive food choices.

When did this become harder? Is it age? Time? No. Absolutely not. There are women and men out there older than me with less time who get the job done. The problem is a little something called resistance.

Change is hard because change means that one must alter their comfort level. One must adjust what they are used to, even if it’s for their benefit. I may not have mentioned, I was a Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) grad student for three semesters and I was taught to compare the family or individual climate to a thermostat. We are all set at a comfortable level called our homeostasis level. Change, or moving temperature on the thermostat up or down, reeks havoc on our comfort level. We want to be at our homeostasis even if it’s dysfunctional.

I am meeting my weight loss and healthy eating mindset with resistance. I must change and that’s scary. I must admit that food is more than just sustenance to me. Food is wonderful, tasty and required but for me, it is also a crutch.

Food helps me to avoid boredom, anxiety, and above all things, loneliness.

And as I continue this journey towards freedom from emotional eating, food will shed it’s aforementioned responsibilities. I will once again learn to accept my uncomfortable feelings as passing and transient moments in time. Or better yet - readopt healthy and constructive outlets such as surfing, jogging, strength training, and yoga.

Still in Session One. Still learning to define myself as an EE.

The Voices in Our Head

“You’re never going to have a flat stomach.”

“You should aim for a size 8 instead of the 6 you used to be or the 4 you want to be… just to be safe”

“You thighs will always be too big”

“Even if you got down to a size TWO you’re going to have excess skin and stretchmarks. Is it really worth it!?”

Now for the record I have no desire to be a size 2. I’m 5′9″ and a 2 would be very unhealthy on me. I was a 4 once in my life… it was the one time that I was confident about my body in a swimsuit… it was also the time when my boyfriend (now husband) and I were broken up and my overly emotional state sent my metabolism into overdrive. I was definitely still eating… but I was little! Anyway, I digress… we all have little voices in our head telling us what’s wrong with our bodies and how we’re not going to reach our goals. For as long as I can remember - size 4 break-up body aside - I have been discontent with the way I looked. Here I sit… a size 12 and I would kill to be a size 6 but even at a 6 I was discontent.

Today I want to say something to all of you out there size 6 to size 60 -

How often do we walk around unhappy about something and do nothing about it?!

I wish I could spout a magical formula of how to go from wanting something to actively accomplishing something. All I can say is it’s a personal decision… a realization even that no one is going to do this but you. We live in a society that throws lies about weight loss in our face all day long. Do I wish that eating a berry would magically make me thin - yes! Is it going to happen? Not really. Sure a few pounds might come off but then there’s maintenance and if you have more than “a few pounds to lose” something more dramatic is required. Deep down inside you and I both know one irrefutable fact - the way to lose weight is to consume less calories and burn off more energy. DIET AND EXERCISE. Fads come and go but diet and exercise will always be the answer. It’s a long hard journey…. trust me I know.

Yesterday I had another migraine - my fifth one this week… not fun. Eating helps the migraines but it doesn’t help my goal. So there I was, on the kitchen floor, tears in my eyes, counting out the baked lays I had to stuff in my mouth to help steady my head. A little insane? Most certainly!! Am I laughing about it today? Definitely!! What a sad, stereotypical dieter I was!! But my point is this: I can’t let anything get in my way on this journey!! In case you’re wondering, after a good nap (during the kiddo’s nap) and a few hours the headache passed. I wasn’t able to do a full run due to the toddler’s schedule, but I did get in 2 miles in 20 minutes. No matter what life throws at you, no matter how bad it gets, if you have a goal and determination you can make it happen.

No more pity parties!! No more negative voices!! If I don’t like something I’m going to do something about it! I have the power to change. It may be a slow and painful process at times, but I have the power to change!

Bernstein Wrap-Up

Where to begin, where TO begin, WHERE to BEgin?

Prolly at the beginnin’, I’d venture.

Here’s the thing about Bernstein: I like it. It’s easy for me to do, I’m constantly eating, and I like the food choices. Plus, as I’ve mentioned, because of my size I get 33% more food than the menu dictates as standard. Like, I’m constantly eating. Non-stop, morning to night. It’s really quite good, truthfully.

Now, here’s the bad-side: YOU CAN NEVER, EVER, EVER GO OFF IT.

You know those 5 pounds I lost? They all came back after my day off. Maybe it’s just water-weight, but near as I can tell this is NOT a diet that you attempt leisurely. Or, at least, not for a week. Maybe three months, minimum, but not a week.

“But Dan,” you say, “How do we know you didn’t overeat like a maniac on your day off? Also, DAMN you’re looking SO FINE.”

Yes, I am, it’s true. Thank you. And I didn’t “overeat like a maniac,” but I suppose you’ll have to take my word for it. No caloric drinks were drank, I had a single piece of cake, I had a burger, a few fries, and a bit of spinach dip. Not much else crossed my tummy’s path, but it all seemed to settle quite nicely on, I’m guessing, my thighs.

Further, at a lighter weight, I’m certain this diet would be insanely hard to follow. While I got 33% more food, I reckon that 33% less would just leave me hungry for the longest time. That’s merely an assumption as, despite all evidence to the contrary, I’m not crazy enough to try that.

Oh, and this week there were cravings, oh yes. Bread. Very bready cravy. I wanted to grab a bag of bread and just wolf it down, Cookie Monster-style. It would’ve been amusing and oh-so carbalicious. *drool*

Other than that, though, this was an easy diet for me to stick to, but due to the nature of the diet, the specifics, the strictness and the IMMEDIATE WEIGHT GAIN, I’d have to give it a thumbs down.

However, as far as “food to eat when I’m hungry and just need to be filled up” I’m glad I got to enjoy the wonder that is the Egg White Omelette again. LE SIGH.

10 Shockingly Terrible Eating-Related Diseases

Going through these eating related diseases are painful moments. It’s scary when they cause a sudden change in eating ritual and pattern, a rapid drop in weight or a shrink in body shape. At the chronic stage, the signs of these eating disorders and their related symptoms are surely an important medical issue.

Very often, it’s very hard to identify eating disorders, as the sufferers behave in a very secretive manner, attempting to hide away these disorders from their concerned family members, or friends. Nevertheless, some signs will alert you that someone is experiencing an eating disorder.  Read more…

This is going to be a long journey.

Fear crept in today.  Questions of what if I cannot do enough?  What if it’s too much too lose?  What if I just can’t?  Pretty hard to get work done with those thoughts consuming me.  I looked in the mirror tonight and I didn’t see a guy who lost 13 pounds.  I was just a fat guy.  I have to own this somehow.  I need to be able to look in the mirror and know that I’m a guy with flaws.  Some flaws I can fix and some I can’t.  But I know with this I can work at fixing them.  I just have to try.

Last day before rest day tomorrow.  I can’t run anymore.  I don’t know if it’s because of the circuit training or what but today I could only go 7 minutes.  I make up for it with a steeper incline but I won’t stop trying to run.  I am going to try walking at faster paces to see if that will help build stamina.  We’ll see.

Breakfast

Eggs and toast, banana, an apple

Early Lunch (trying a early and late lunch with around 4 hours in between to stop the constant snacking.  I did have carrots and celery in between)

Tuna Salad with Cucumber Ranch, soy and almond nuts, 

Late Lunch

100 Cal Ritz snack pack, 4 graham crackers, cheerios

Dinner

Spaghetti with whole grain noodles, tiny container of cookies and cream ice cream

Later

yogurt with granola

Somebody stop me

Next time I start out saying, “I’ve been doing really well with xyz…” somebody stop me, because that is a surefire way of xyz coming to a screeching halt. Remember how I said exercise has been consistent? Well apparently Consistent Week ended on Saturday because I have not done one minute of any kind of workout whatsoever. Sunday I was just plain lazy, Monday I had good intentions but never got around to it, and yesterday I bought groceries after work and by the time I got home, unloaded and put away the groceries, cooked dinner, I had missed my window of workout opportunity. Tonight is church, so no work out tonight either. I am going to have to really jam Thursday through Saturday.

On the upside though, I did not buy any junk food at the store yesterday. I bought lots of fruits and veggies and stuff for dinners, but no sweets. Usually I’ll buy junk because the hubs and kids complain if there isn’t anything to “snack” on, but I figure if they want a snack, they can eat fruit or air popped popcorn or something like that. In other words, they’re just going to have to deal with it, and so am I. I was fine until after dinner (tacos, yum) when suddenly I needed a little “something”. I always want a little “something” after dinner and usually that something is something sweet. That’s when I regretted not buying any sweets at the grocery store, so I scrounged around and found the last two striped shortbread cookies that I had bought about a week ago. I ate them quickly and then cursed myself for doing it. It’s a habit that is going to be hard to kill, but maybe I can put it in a coma for awhile.

I have a running question: how do you deal with the wind? It has been super windy here the last few weeks and when it’s windy like this, I don’t want to run. But living in Oklahoma (where the WIND comes sweeping down the plain), this is something I’m going to have to learn to deal with if I want to be a runner.

Oh! I had an Aha moment yesterday: I need to do something about my PMS.

(Insert crickets chirping here)

What? You’re not shocked that I made this realization?

I know what you are thinking, “Well duh Jill! You only complain about it every month!” But really, it has gone from being mildly annoying to causing actual conflict in my life. When I am PMSing, it usually comes in the form of burning, seething, rage. My whole body feels like a clenched fist and suddenly everyone is an effing moron and if someone looks at me funny, they should be prepared to face my wrath. I snap at the kids for no reason and the hubs and I have had terrible fights the last three months during that time. My job and everything about it gets on my nerves - so much so that I consider walking out. It’s becoming a problem and I need to do something about it.

This article from WebMD is a good place to start I think. A short internet search of several articles led me to the same conclusion: exercise and diet can help alleviate a lot of PMS symptoms. The WebMd article says to eliminate my four favorite things: caffeine, alcohol, chocolate, and salt. I’m not a big drinker, but PMS time seems to be the perfect time for a glass of wine! And we all know how much of the other stuff I consume: a lot. But I can’t keep continuing to turn into a Nazi every month or else I may find myself divorced and unemployed, so I’m going to give this a shot. The article also says to take calcium and vitamin B6 supplements, so I may give that a try too. I need to take calcium anyway, but adding the B6 is something I hadn’t thought about. Guess I’ll be making a trip to Walgreen’s this afternoon.

Hmmmm…just had a thought: the worse my eating has gotten over the last 3 months, the more weight I have gained and the worse my PMS has gotten. Coincidence? Something tells me, no.

Strength Training

There are several benefits of strength training and and that is why it should be included in almost every fitness program.  The changes have a very large influence on our physical capacity, physical appearance, metabolic function, and injury risk.

Strength Benefits

• Increased muscle fiber size
• Increased muscle contractile strength
• Increased tendon tensile strength
• Increased bone strength
• Increased ligament tensile strength

The amazing thing about the benefits of strength training is, it makes your entire body stronger and able to withstand more of a physical force without breaking down.

Strength Training

Has Been Shown To:

• Increase bone mineral density
• Improve glucose metabolism
• Reduce gastrointenstinal transit time
• Lower resting blood pressure
• Improve blood lipid levels
• Ease arthritic pain

Injury Risk

A comprehensive strength-training program that is the most effective in reducing the risk of injury and many degenerative diseases addresses all of the major muscle groups.

Aging Process

Strength training is essential for preventing muscle loss that often accompanies the aging process.  An increase in muscle tissue causes a corresponding increase in our metabolic rate.  When the metabolism slows while you get older, more lean muscle tissue will help keep that higher.